Youth

There are things I did in my teens that I will strongly caution my daughter against doing and trying herself.

Things like getting into cars with the designated driver friend having had two bottles of beer. Or things like spending the night with two friends sleeping in a parked car on a dark street because we got locked out of my friend's dorm - What if we got mugged??? Or, just for fun, lying down on the pavement of a street in the middle of the night and scrambling to the sidewalk at the first sign of oncoming headlights. Or, because it sounded cool at the time, jumping into the pool with all our clothes on with no visibility and no idea how deep the water was.

No, I didn't do drugs, I didn't smoke, I wasn't promiscuous, I didn't associate with shady characters and I hand sanitized religiously.

Still. That was 14 years ago. Things are different now.

I want my daughter to grow up without experiencing any of the bad stuff. I don't want her regretting things. I DO want her to live her life to the fullest but I don't want her broken or scarred or hurt in any way possible.

I'm turning 31 this year. My daughter will turn eight in August.

I have roughly ten more years to arm her with the values and convictions to enable her to go through her memorable teen years carefree-ly and not carelessly.

Get Real

"Do not, I stress, do not mourn 

the friendship you never valued." 

Believe me when I say that I am composing this blog entry with a smile on my face and with no other aspiration nor agenda but to say my (peaceful) piece. I have promised that this blog will be devoid of any ill feelings and negativity, and I have every intention to keep it that way.

Let me start by saying that I think it's been obvious that I removed people I used to be friends with from my life, and consequently, from my social networking sites' friends' lists. I did this quietly. My relationship with them - albeit short - merited that respect. I didn't make a big fuss about it. To make a big deal about unfriending/blocking them reeks of arrogance, and I may be a lot of things, but I'm not pompous and self-righteous. I also know there would be people who would be caught in the middle, and I didn't want them to take sides. It's not fun to be caught in the crossfires; I know the feeling. More importantly, I'm just not the type to rally mutual friends to my cause to paint these other people as the bad guys. To me, it's enough that they - our mutual friends - know what I went through and that they understand why I had to leave these friendships that I feel are no longer good for me.

Moreover, when I leave friendships, I sever the ties cleanly. I am a firm believer of how people that we meet always have roles in our lives. And when a relationship sours, or when circumstances reveal that their convictions and values do not align with mine, I respectfully let go and take comfort in the fact that this person's role in my life has been fulfilled.

That's why I do not understand when these same people say that they're sad/regretful/mournful/-insert negative feeling here- that they have lost my friendship. Well, in the first place, when we were still friends, I was a true friend. I was giving, I was honest, I opened up, I was encouraging, I was there for them. I just don't know if that was how they were to me, as well, because only they can say so. Our conscience is our guide, and I'm not here to pass judgement. Looking back, I have drawn conclusions on what kinds of 'friends' they were to me, but I don't want to really dwell on my thoughts nor elaborate.

To be brutally honest, I know I had my faults too, however, the events that led to the demise of these relationships, to me, spoke loudly of how these people who used to be my friends put power and their personal gains ahead. I think it's easy and just plain convenient to say that Kiss was bitter, that I felt slighted, that my massive ego got in the way, that Kiss was just indubitably defiant, yadda, yadda. Whatever. I'm not here to defend myself. Most importantly, I'm not here to feign innocence and claim faultlessness. I don't like playing the victim.

I can present one million and one pieces of evidence that I was bullied and alienated. It's unnecessary for me to go into the details because, like I said, I'm not here to convince you of, well, anything. BUT here's what I did and didn't do, just to give you an idea.

I questioned decisions, not authority.
I challenged unfair arrangements; I didn't dispute hierarchy.
I followed protocol and raised valid issues using proper channels. I didn't wreak havoc by throwing SOP out the window.
Most importantly, I still did my job well, even if the cliquish and partisan ways of these so-called "friends" screamed inefficiency and ineffectiveness.
I didn't change. I didn't withhold information. I wasn't deliberately unfair.

As a person, I'm very introspective and self-aware. After deliberation and reflection, I know when to label something as a lost cause. And that's what I did. I knew there was nothing to save. How could there be? I had to walk away.

“Omnia Mutantur, Nihil Interit. 'Everything changes, but nothing is truly lost.”

I'm looking forward and living life without any regrets.
I hope they do the same.

photo from weheartit.com

Random Memories Sept

- My older brother, Jhzryl, went to high school at Don Bosco. To my then seven-year-old self, it was an  overwhelmingly massive campus filled with boys who played sports and instruments, boys who served at Catholic Masses where loud, rock-ish music was played live, boys who created projects made from wood and electrical stuff, boys who were good at art and boys who called each other by their last names. We attended all of my brother's school events, and I remember playing at their playground wearing my "My brother is a Bosconian" shirt.

- My nanny used to make bubble solution from scratch. It had detergent, water and hibiscus extract. The bubbles it made were huge and didn't pop easily, unlike the store bought bubble solutions. Did anyone used to do this too? Can you tell me the measurements?

- The Husband and I found out we were pregnant on Valentine's Day. I kid you not. It turned out I had been pregnant since November.

- On the first day of college in UP Diliman, I had an entire entourage with me: my mom, her sister and her husband and their cousin who was a professor there. I am not ashamed to admit it. My family is just really supportive and the university campus was intimidatingly huge. We were given maps to navigate our way around. Funny story: My mom's brother-in-law, my Tito Biyo, was helping me find my classrooms. One subject's venue read TBA. We thought it was a real place. Good thing, my uncle was able to find out it meant 'To Be Announced' from a helpful upperclassman. My aunt, the professor, said that if it were I - the obvious freshman - who had asked, some upperclassmen would intentionally give misleading and incorrect answers like "It means, Teodoro Benigno Aquino hall. Just ride the Ikot and you won't miss it." Of course, no such hall exists which would equate to the hapless freshman riding the damn jeepney in circles. Shudder.

- We had sewing projects for Home Economics class in high school. I got low marks for an apron I made because the pockets I sewed on were askew. Oh well. I tried.